So here we are, the end of the Crooks saga. This has been a really sadistically enjoyable experience for me, and it's been one of our more popular features... which is to say it's been popular. See, I used the plural, and we've really only had three regular features for the last little while. It's funny. Anyway, I haven't heard any more from any of the idiots you've known about, and since I got my money back from the bank, I'll stop complaining about them. There is a strange, unexplained charge coming off my credit card, but I'm sure there's a rational explanation for that. There always is.
We'll call Scott and Jocinda the main course, and Judy the side dish. The bank was the annoying waiter who keeps coming back to change your drink before it's even half empty, because he thinks it's an inconspicuous way to stare down your cleavage. You've stomached all that, so you feel you've earned your dessert, and who am I to argue? Just brush your teeth after, is all I ask
Our first piece is from a Mr. Christ, according to his email.
Hello,
How are you doing?Hope God is taking care of you and your family? I am David by name from Machester(UK) and i am coming for Research in University of Alberta by August 2007 so i need a place to stay.A little about me.I am 24 years old,i gentle, neat,respectful,i mind my own business, no smoking,no overnight guest,no party,i promise to keep the place neat as you ever wanted,my favourite colours are blue and white.I will love to rent from you and i will love to rent for one year but i may extend the rent later so tell me more about the place and i will also appreciate some pictures to the place.If there is any application that i will need to fill plz have it sent to me via email so i could print and bring it over with me when coming over cos i do not have acess to fax machine.I will be happy to rent from you so get back
to me as soon as possible. Do tell me the asking price per month and how do i secure it before coming over?Hope to hear from U soon
God bless you.
David
Funny thing about people from the UK. They generally speak English. Better than you.
Next up, we have Lucas, who's using the email account of ¥udovít Vepy.
I am student from Europe-Slovakia and i am looking for a place where i can live.I found your effort please can you tell me if is still actual.Thanks.
Lukas
Preliminary examination of linguistic capability suggests unsatisfactory communicative ability. If hypothesis affirmative, indicitave of moral & ethical delinquency. Additional theoretical possibilities include genitalial insufficiency.
Sincerely,
I mean it. Sincerely. Maybe I should hook Lucas up with Carlton Bullard, from the first Ask the Wordsmith. Think the two of them would hit it off?
Here's my favorite:
Hello there,
Am Murphy and I live and work in Ireland as a
buissness man selling cars.
I would like to make enquiries on your accommodation I would
like to know if its available because I would like to rent it
for my daughter who is a prospective student of The ALBERTA UNI.
If available,i'ld like you to provide me with the following
information.Rent per month,Exact date of available,Length of
Lease,Security Deposite,Full address of the property -
Also i will like you to know a little about my daughter
She is an international
student from the Republic of ireland,
Her name is Linda,she is 21 years old ,
She is a very neat girl and doesn't have any pet but can live with them if available
She makes friend with every one around her and takes her
studies seriously
Thanks,
Best regards
Did everyone see that? Terrible, I know, but Murphy is no regular moron. Murphy is a special kind of moron. Murphy is the kind of moron that sends the email above and the email below on the same day.
Am Murphy and I live and work in Ireland as a
buissness man selling cars.
I would like to make enquiries on your accommodation I would
like to know if its available because I would like to rent it
for my daughter who is a prospective student of The MacEwan
If available,i'ld like you to provide me with the following
information.Rent per month,Exact date of available,Length of
Lease,Security Deposite,Full address of the property -
Also i will like you to know a little about my daughter
She is an international
student from the Republic of ireland,
Her name is Linda,she is 21 years old ,
She is a very neat girl and doesn't have any pet but can
live with them if available
She makes friend with every one around her and takes her
studies seriously
Thanks,
Best regards
Oh, Murphy. How well we knew ye. We knew ye sold cars in the lower-case country of ireland. We knew yer daughter doesn't have pet, and makes friend easily. We also know she's going to The ALBERTA UNI, as well as The MacEwan. We knew so much about ye both, we almost knew ye inside and out. And in that spirit...
When your daughter gets here, I will be taking full sexual advantage of her body. We will make sure she does not get pregnant, but please send pictures of her naked for my approval.
No response from Murphy. Go figure.
That's the show, folks, thanks for reading the Crooks series!
Now go brush those teeth, we're getting complaints.
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