Ha! I solved my problem! All I had to do was, for the SIXTH time, scour my computer for any and all traces of a bug that got in there from a website known as POPCORN. Dear readers, I implore you, DO NOT attempt to find or visit this website. Do not attempt to download or view or see or even think about this website. It got onto my computer without either of us living here even knowing! It crept on, waited three days, then claimed that my free trial was up and - get this - I owed them money for it.

Their annoying half-screen announcement would pop up (no, this is no ordinary pop-up) with no way to shut it off! Ctrl-Alt-Del was the only way! Somehow, it managed to get past my virus checker, my adware remover, and then both spybots I tried on it. So how did I, a pitiful little human, deal with this demon, which (though I do not endorse or condone this sort of action) should be ATTACKED BY THE LIKES OF HOME-MADE VIRUS ONLY SEEN IN NEWSPAPERS (next to the words, "massive failure," and, "in the name of all that is good and holy, why?")!!? I will happily tell weary travellers who I personally know, but I dare not leak this information out onto the internet, for if they learned of it, they would find a way around it, as they learned of the previous methods I tried, which I learned about on the internet, when I googled the bastards and learned that there are hundreds, nay thousands of people who have searched chatrooms, forums, and virus-killing programs, looking for a way to get it off.

How did this program prevent me from FTPing? I honestly can't say for sure. But I think they remotely FTP'd my computer, basically hijacking the function, and confusing the hell out of my provider's tech support. "I don't understand. Your computer starts the process, but it doesn't actually contact our server." Kudos to them for their attempts to help me, I really appreciate it. There was no way for them to know that Popcorn was responsible for f***ing up my computer and DEMANDING I PAY THEM $80 US FOR THE PRIVILEGE! If I ever see their base of operations, if I ever know their location, if I ever have their server in a direct line of fire, I will *ahem* politely wish that they, like my poor modem, would get struck by lightning...painted on the side of a semi or a rail car. Seriously, Popcorn people? GO TO HELL!

Victory is mine!