SO VERY PAINFUL.
Warning: This review contains many spoilers
so you might as well just read it and save your money.

Review by Mark Mallon, with guest reviewer Rene Hebert

Why do I like the number 11 so much?

I don't know. I thought you liked the number 3.

No, I'm connected to the number three, but when I need a random number to blurt out, it's usually 11.

I can't remember the word for what I wanna say.

Did you enjoy the concert?

I did. The concert was completely awesome, and Weird Al kicks more ass to me.

Did you enjoy 28 Weeks Later?

No. No I didn't. Can we talk about the concert instead?

You can try, but I'm determined.

...Damn.

Well, it did suck just that much.

Yeah, that's true.

We have to act as the soldiers were supposed to act in that movie, and actually prevent the spread of this disease.

That's definitely a worthy cause.

I think the whole thing was supposed to be about good intentions being the quickest way into hell.

I think it was about a guy getting a bad case of Mono, and throwing a tantrum about it, but yours is good too.

Yeah, he was quite pissy.

I mean, he kissed her, and then got "sick", and then got all pissy and moody.

Yeah, let's count the ways nothing in this movie should have happened. Let's count backwards.

In the subway tunnel, it should have taken more than three steps for the little boy to get separated from them.

The helicopter driver seemed to be far too uncaring to be realistic.

On the surface, I don't care what the code is, when you are dealing with a virus that makes people just crazy and violent, maybe you should cut the sanely driving vehicle some slack.

I don't think that the vehicle was likely to catch the virus, though. Or, wait, do you mean the guy driving the helicopter?

No, I mean the car. They were trying to blow up the car from their other helicopter.

Oh right. Yeah, that wasn't really necessary, even if Hollywood does like its explosions.

Yeah, and its improbable plot twists.

...Just out of curiosity, why is it that it seemed like, as soon as the father became a zombie, he actually got smarter?

I'm sorry, but that man, with or without the rage virus, should not have been able to avoid being burned to a crisp when they firebombed the city by - wait for it - hiding around a corner.

Hmmm... maybe he's Neo? That is, he could dodge anything.

You're a military strategist. You want to contain an outbreak. You what, gather everybody into a basement? Then lock them behind doors using chains that wouldn't hold against all of them pushing in a panic?

I don't think that the sniper was in charge of military strategy at any point though. I mean, boiled down, his main job was to aim and shoot. So he might not have been used to thinking that way.

The sniper is not at fault here. I'm talking about the contingency plan. It came from higher up, and was in place long before our little "heroes" ever got back to London . Does the term "lockdown" mean anything to these people?

Oh wait, I remember the part that you're talking about... When it was first announced, I was reminded of cattle being sent to the slaughter house. And yes. Just shoot the damned kids, seeing as everything was their fault anyway, and have it done and over with

Yeah. That's a great way to prevent the quick spread of the disease throughout the population, gather them all and lock them together in a big underground room!

LOCK DOWN. You have everybody's doors reinforced, you give all suites a little red button, and when everyone's safely inside your own suite, you hit your panic button. Your door locks, you are separated from the rest of the population, and your door is so big and sturdy, or maybe it's prison bars, so no infected can get in.

Everyone can hit their own button in their own time.

But Mark, everyone knows keeping everyone in one place is a much better way to keep track of everyone! Oh yes. Much better.

You keep a handful of ground-level safe-houses like that, and when people try to get in, they have to go through three separate chambers, with guns pointed down from above, before they can mingle with the rest of the population in the street-level safe-houses.

Now let's talk about Dad. I don't care how important a civilian you are, you should not have a card that gives you access to quarantined areas.

Or, you know... they could have at LEAST put a guard at the door.

And in the event of an emergency, all non-military access cards should be invalid. Even if it’s the President. (The President was not in this movie, I’m just saying.)

Just one guard, and Dad could have been stopped before being any more of an idiot then he'd been at the opening.

Yes, getting access to his infected wife is not something I can believe, when the operation is being run by United States military. Even if she is being kept in a trailer.

And then he managed to kill a lot of soldiers single-handed, before anyone knew what was going on.

I personally think that that entire family, minus the mother, should have been shot and killed. Actually, speaking of security... how is it possible for two kids to just up and cross over to the quarantined section without being caught before they were?

Yeah, once again, US military would not have allowed that to happen.

But if the mother was shot and killed when they found her, they would have prevented the spread.

That's true. But I do think that keeping her alive to find a cure would have been a good idea, seeing as she hadn't really done anything wrong, and she was actually smart. Of course, once everything had gone to hell, then it would have been a lost cause.

And the sniper saw the kids leave! He spotted them, and reported it immediately! How long did it take for them to catch up...WITH A FREAKIN' HELICOPTER!?

Well, seeing as they had to time to play around for a while before getting to their old house...

He should have fired a warning shot close to them.

It took, like, what... a half hour, at least?

And once again, somehow the kids got separated. In their home. Where the hell was the sister supposed to be when the brother was calling for her, through the whole house? To the movie-makers: you can't do that without explaining it. I mean, show her in the basement searching the deep freeze, discovering that it's filled with rotting food because there's no power, etc.

They did far too much in that movie without explaining a logical reason behind it.

Yeah, and not explaining things was a big problem for the characters as well as the director.

"You must get these kids out." "No." "Yes." Instead of, "You must get these kids out. They may be immune, and they could be used to make a cure."

No no, we need the suspense of the decisions.

Well, realism and horror were out the window, so the only things they could have going for them were gore and cheap suspense.

Yeah, in the place of believable story, they substituted unreasonably graphic gore.

Now, I like gory movies. I really do. But this one just... really really sucked. I mean. I like the CHILD’S PLAY movies, and those were cheesy as hell.

In that kind of quarantined situation, the part at the beginning with the passengers being briefed on where they could and couldn't go, I want to hear a soldier saying, "If you cross that line, we will shoot you dead before we let you come back.

...Again, that would have involved realism. Which the director and writers were hard set against, I think.

That virus killed Britain . It killed the whole country. There should have been no question, when the kids crossed the barriers, when the mother was discovered to have the virus, when people started running through the streets.

The only reason to try to make a cure is if you expect it to get into the population again.

Kill the carrier, and it's dead.

Well, I dunno. In that kind of situation, I wouldn't be expecting it, but I'd be trying to get a cure if I could, just in case.

The man in charge said, "Study her corpse, Major." I'm with him. You want to do tests on her kids' blood? Go for it. You don't need a living infected person.

True.

And honestly, you can't really say the mother wasn't as dumb as the rest of her family, because she was either disappearing from the audience, or strapped to a table.

Dude, she was traumatised.

Yeah? And? Doesn't mean that if she wasn't, she wouldn't have been doing stupid things along with her family. The kids picked it up somewhere. Sure, it could all have been their idiot father, but chances are if the mother was any better, some of that would have rubbed off on them too.

Having said all that, let's see, what was this movie about?

I still say Mono.

The theme, I mean.

Oh.

Everyone kept making the decision to act against orders, because they couldn't bring themselves to kill the kids.

Anarchy is bad?

Our instinct to protect our young will doom us all?

The worst case scenario is no place for questions of morality?

Of conscience?

Ah, our conscience will kill us all!

I like your first one

Killed by what makes us human.

Compassion doesn't always take the driver's seat?

Compassion shouldn't always take the driver's seat.

Well, let's consider that a lesson learned, and act accordingly.

28 WEEKS LATER IS A BAD MOVIE!

DON'T SPEND MONEY ON THIS MOVIE!

Agreed.

RUN! RUN AWAY! Dude, help me out here.

Umm... I could hit the movie with a stick…

You’re not even trying.

I saw it at the cheap theater, and feel ripped off.

Put a little more oomph into it.

Because it took a part of my soul.

Better.

And raped it.

And you didn't even pay for it!

Yes I did.

You did?

I paid you after you bought the ticket.

Right.

Still, help me spread the word without sparing any regard for the feelings of those who worked on it.

BAD MOVIE!

HORRIBLE MOVIE!

DON'T MAKE MORE OF THESE MOVIES!

DOWN WITH POINTLESS SEQUALS!

...Can we firebomb Hollywood if they make a 28 Months Later?

Ooh, or 28 Fortnights Later

Wouldn't work, the execs would just hide around a corner.

...#&%$ing Neos.