Hey all, we just watched Monster House and now I’m strongly in favor of going back to the old hand-drawn style of cartoon movies. It’s not that the graphics didn’t look good…

About the only good thing I have to say about this movie is that it was very beautifully crafted graphically.

You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

It had very realistic movement, not just in the character animation, but in the camera movement as well. You know how most animated features have rather mechanical camera movement? No? Well in this one it looked almost like there was an actual human behind the camera.

How did he get into the cartoon world? And how could he stand it? Everything... went… so… slow… It was like they spent so much time crafting the mechanics of each movement, they wanted to be sure we saw every little thing. That leaves the world feeling a little hollow, I think, when there's nothing happening outside of what you're supposed to notice because they've tried so hard to make you see everything they've done.

The character design felt real, but not. You know, in that creepy kind of way. And that look really captured the mood of the film. Or rather, the attempted mood.

It was the lack of music. I don’t actually remember any music. It was probably in there, in tiny little bites, but nothing that stood out. Ignoring the animation medium, though, there’s a movie to be reviewed.

It sucked.

Big time.

Slow plot. Nonsense plot. sucky plot.

We didn’t like the plot.

Annoying characters.

The girl had no business even sticking around, she only did it because the movie needed a female lead for the sole purpose of being a girl and kissing the boy. And I wanted the fat kid to die. I was hoping the house would eat him. I was cheering for the house. I kept hoping it would kill him at the last minute, like Owen Wilson in Haunted Mansion . I’m thinking of the right movie, right?

And it didn't seem quite apropriate as a family movie, but just enough within the "PG" limits to make it a bad "grown-up" movie.

Who the hell heck determines what falls within the PG limits? They should be fired! I’m sorry, but seeing people getting eaten by a house—I’m talking big teeth, tongue, throat, a fricken uvula, ripping a car to shreds with the kids inside—is not proper family entertainment.

They made the movie slow and stupid enough in the beginning that everyone over the age of nine would fall asleep in the first 45 minutes, and everyone under nine would be irreparably scarred in the second half, most likely because the maker of this family film doesn't like children. And still the fat kid lived.

I think I saw that whole plot played out better in a 24-minute episode of Care Bears. And Thundercats. And The Real Ghostbusters a few times, too.

The verdict on Monster House: DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME.