We've Been Punished!

Oh, man... What a relief. I thought we were dead there for a minute. It's been a little while since we put anything up here... But really, we had some very good reasons.

If you thought we were dead, who was thinking we were dead? I mean, you can't think if you're dead...

I'd like to open up after this long break by explaining the many reasons we have been away for so long. But first, I'd like to discuss everything that was wrong with the movie, Punisher, for some reason. Number one: John Travolta.

We should punish John Travolta for making so many crappy movies.

The Punisher. There was a happy conclusive feeling at the end. Did you notice that? The feeling like everything was alright in the end, and anything that wasn't would be? It's a good thing they didn't make the movie dark or anything. That only would have made sense.

And the other good guys, I couldn't figure out their motivations. I just didn't buy their actions. "I'm gonna get my face ripped apart rather than tell the scary men with guns what they want to know because this guy moved in next door. That makes him family. I've spoken to him a grand total of three times, and the third he was only half conscious for." And how about the girl? "Don't know the guy, but I saw him get violent with a guy he didn't like. Before that, all I knew about him was that he lived in the building. I think I'll make him dinner."

Showdowns belong in westerns. Using them in a modern day setting is just lame. I mean, you're a hired assassin. The guy who has just done something to royally screw your boss's plans comes out of the elevator with a briefcase in his hand. What do you do? Apparently, you back away, give him time to put the case down, and let him pull his jacket away from the gun in the holster, thereby giving him the chance to kill you before you kill him.

Next, the score. The score blew chunks. This isn't a slam against those of you who like the song "Broken", which really should have been montage music, a'la Electra. I like that song. I like the song that the other guy sung. What I didn't like was the background music. I mean, is upbeat glorious themed music really appropriate for the guy who just lost his family? Has multiple homicide really become so inspiring?

Three characters seemed like they were just there to make the movie longer. Maybe give some touching good guy moments. Care for the good guy. Cry for him when he's going off to die. Be happy for him when he's going off to kill.

I don't know any--IT WAS A DARK THEME, PEOPLE! THE MOVIE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DARK! That means no upbeat music for his dark Punisher lair, no happy over-all theme of friendship with a couple of strangers (or at the very least, let their attempts at friendship reveal his commitment to the darkness he's fallen into), and NO HAPPY ENDINGS! He can win, sure, but he's not supposed to be happy about it. He's supposed to be stained with the darkness of the deed, and wondering why he's not fulfilled. He's supposed to wonder why the thrill of the hunt did not result in a grand catharsis of the kill. I know this, and I never even read any of the books. It just makes sense.

We're all out of pepsi. We need to go get some more pepsi.

Slightly off topic, but okay. And the 'light your insignia on fire' thing was lame enough in daredevil, if only because he only did it one time, at the scene of a nobody villian's death. I mean, that was the only shot, nay, the only mention of that sort of thing. In this, the guy who just lost his family is going to take the time to make a giant insignia of fire that can only be seen from helicopter?

And giving the bad guy of the movie the same chance the evil lackeys gave him? These do not seem like the actions of a man with murderous intent. But I guess no one in the movie really knew how to show emotion. The bad guy held up a pretty good poker face when his son was gunned down. And his trophy wife. "I asked you to get revenge for the death of your son and you did." Yeah. This is the reason he did it. Because the T&A asked him to. No, really, it seemed like that was the reason he did it. He didn't show any emotion throughout the rest of the movie, until he cried uncontrollably and unbelievably at the end.

I'm just not even gonna bother reading this right now. Just do something to get my attention when you're done.

I'm sorry, but I just don't think someone with such obviously little emotional depth can spontaneously become a quivering mass of expensive suit. Two words, and I'll repeat them as many times as it takes: DARK THEME. Whereas it was a movie about a guy adjusting to his happy life as an assassin-for-hobby, it should have been a movie about the descent of a man into madness, into an insatiable and unquenchable quest for justice. He should have lost his soul.

And you were right of course, the comic book thugs weren't really making it any more believable. "Sing me a song on your guitar before killing me." "Okay, but only if you give me the chance to sing an obviously threatening song, then obviously threaten you, then walk away." And the unstoppable machine of a man, impervious to all but hot water and staircases, known only as "The Russian". Am I being murdered or served a beverage?

Yeah, that seemed silly. How did he die again?

Hot water and staircases, my friend.

Oh, right. By the same means, that should have killed Punisher, too.

Although from the way his face blistered up to about twice its normal size, I'm guessing that water was heated with something more deadly than a kitchen stove. So glad that when you threw the water on the bad guy, none splashed on the good guy standing beside him. Or maybe they weren't cooking with water at all!

Alien blood. A French delicacy.

Bad writing, inappropriate soundtrack, acting that I couldn't believe if I wanted to, and alien blood. Is there anything this movie didn't have? Oh, right, redemption for John Travolta. Sorry, Johnny, but you really can't seem to pick'em.

I haven't seen the Dolph Lundgren version yet. Was that one better?

Probably not, it was made in the 80's. But then again, didn't have John Travolta. So...