Ok ok.. I gots a question for you. Which Final Fantasy games were the best and which were the worst and why?

Ooh, a mystery caller! This question gets a whole column to itself, even though I'm condensing everything I could possibly have to say. Each game could get a review to itself, but that would take forever.

Well, Mysty... Can I call you Mysty? The absolute worst of the games that I have played so far has been Final Fantasy II. This may be unfair of me, because I never actually finished the game, but let's be honest, if you can't even bring yourself to finish, that's saying something.

And I'm a patient man. I finished FFV, even though it had a special way of making very little sense, most of the time. It was just an excuse to showcase the job system, which was interesting, I'll grant, but not enough to carry a game that doesn't believe in developing characters before it kills them. "He's a bad guy." "I'll die for you!" "He's a good guy?" "AAUUGH! I'm dead." And let's not forget, "Long lost Daddy!" "My girls! AAUUGH! I'm dead."

Followed by FFX, the first for the PS2. I kept hoping Tidus would get on with his own story, instead of playing second fiddle to that lame quest. I mean, after he opens the game with, "This is my story," the whole game was spent being told to shut up and get in line. I kept hoping he'd say, "Screw this, it's MY story, I'm doing things my way," but he was developed so well as a whiny ineffectual teenager out of his element, he would have brought them all down in a historically forgettable demise. But hey, half the cast ended up dead anyway. Sadly, I could not bring myself to care.

Then, just on the line I like to call "passable", we have FFVIII. (It's pronounced F-fiv-ee) Good enough gameplay, an enjoyable card mini-game, and some interesting twists and turns throughout. I just couldn't bring myself to believe some of them. I'm sorry, but how can you introduce characters from all over the world, and then say that in some MASSIVE coincidence, none of them remembered growing up with each other? Okay, one did, but for whatever reason, he didn't let on that he recognized any of the other SEVEN CHARACTERS he was supposed to have remembered. Also, the battles took forever. I'm not just talking about the summons, which in my opinion could have used some randomized sequences, just so that you didn't get bored out of your skull every time you cast the two-minute Eden summon. No, I'm talking about the motion of the characters, the running up to the enemies, the hitting them, and then the moving back to the battle lines. TOOK FOR-FREAKING-EVER. But there was enough in there to balance and keep one interested, like the rest of the story, some revenge stuff, which was kind of thrown off again by a bizarre-ly disconnected final dungeon. But as I said, not a total loss, with enough about time-paradoxes and hidden family relations, skirting the bounds of incest and -- THE FIGHTS HALFWAY THROUGH THE GAME TOOK FOREVER! EVEN THE RANDOM ENCOUNTERS REQUIRED EVERY TWO-MINUTE SUMMON TO BRING THEM DOWN! Levelling up the enemies with the main characters was, in this case, a BAD IDEA! But if you just card everything, you are an uber-powerful mega-force that cannot be stopped, slowed, or reasoned with.

Now we get into the good ones.

I say FFIV was excellent, partly because it re-introduced me to the series, when it was mis-labelled FFII on the Super Nintendo. An epic story that started with one man's crisis of faith, and followed him as he discovered who his friends and enemies really were. This was an adventure that left me wanting more. It was designed to make you want more. I wanted to play on afterward, but as far as I know, Kain's Quest never existed, even as a concept.

Next up is FFVII. Some people disagree with me, but I think it was a good game. Other people would crucify me for putting it fourth from the top of this list. Or, considering how we're progressing, fourth from the bottom. But I believe there are gamers who came into the gaming world spoiled with this game, who can't enjoy something if it doesn't have graphics or cut-scenes. (Sidenote: Screw cut-scenes, I want the original SNES release of Chrono Trigger.) It was a good game, one I can still play through and enjoy. I have only one gripe, and that is the end bosses. Jenova and Sephiroth were far too easy. I spent a lot of effort building my characters enough to take down the weapons, and I can appreciate the fact that they were optional bosses for those who wanted that challenge, but after them, Sephiroth and Jenova were a joke! Not even separate jokes, the two together were only enough of a challenge to be a singular joke. I mean, come on. Maybe just give them two-thirds the stats of the two strongest weapons? And I know you want to get the story finished, but you pull me back for one final fight with Sephiroth, one on one, and then you make it over in one hit? IT'S NOT A MOVIE, IT'S A GAME. I WANT TO PLAY IT, NOT HAVE IT PLAYED OUT FOR ME. So yeah, just those two details take this one down to fourth.

FFIX comes in third. Again, Mysty, I've had some disagree, but I thought it was an excellent story, one that actually followed the main character, instead of giving the player plot-envy over the actual main character of the game. A charismatic character on a quest that honestly gave them time, but not too much time, to think they'd resolved everything, before realising exactly how completely they were f****d, when the sky fell down around them. And they responded like people! Real people! With real lives, real friends, real fears, and real desires. The end boss didn't make much sense to me, a sudden introduction before the final fight, but the rest of the game's story and gameplay make up for it in spades. And yes, the cut-scenes were beautiful. Some didn't like the cartoony style, the disparity between the sizes and shapes of the characters. I say, it's a fantasy world. This is the norm to these people, in this world. Submerge yourself in the story, and let go of your desire to see people with hands smaller than their faces.

FFVI is the best. That's why it comes in second. It's got the most epic story, told from multiple perspectives, some of which are ripped away, but only after you've become attached to them, so you really want to go find them and bring them back. And then BOOM. Everything goes wrong. Exactly the wrong things happen. And then, if you want the story to be more compelling, you catch the slow fish. I love this game.

The original Final Fantasy gets top spot, because it's an enjoyable game and it started it all. It was a video game re-creation of table-top and live-action role-playing games. Probably not the first, but it was aware of itself. In the first town, you can examine a well, an the game says something to the effect of, "Contrary to what you would expect in this type of game, this well is, in fact, just a well." Also, playing it again after reading 8-bit theatre adds a whole new level of fun.

Hope this answer satisfies you, Mysty.

With all the geekly trimmings,
Magi Wordsmith.

PS: Warning, the preceding is pretty much stuffed with spoilers.