Dear Jason and Tylor:

I hope this note finds you well. I don’t know when it will reach you, nor have I any notion of when I am writing it. It is quite dark here, and this is the fourteenth copy of this letter that I have written. It is very hard to write in the dark. My pen slipped off the edge of the paper onto the rough stone a few times, before the eighth copy, when I lost it completely. As I said, dark.

I immediately began trying to perfect a method of grinding stones into powder, to mix with water, and be spread on the paper using a harder stone. The eleventh copy was just an explosion of blue powder. The twelfth I tore to shreds, trying to find the right amount of pressure to use. As you can see, I perfected the method, but I have given in to my urge to ramble, as I have not reached the meat of the message yet.

Though I have lost track of time, I am certain it has only been a few hours since I started, so it should still technically be Monday while I write. But again, dark.

I have tried very hard to find the villain of Final Fantasy III. I searched for a lead that might take me to him/her/it/them, but to no avail. The heroes of this world are no help. They simply wander from place to place, doing good where they can, hoping for their adventure to end in some grand way. The only reason they continue is because they haven’t yet hit a climax in their adventure. They just move in the direction they believe it to be, carried only by hope and faith. I’m thinking that if I started a Church of Adventure in this world, I would become an insanely rich man.

Sadly, I cannot see Canada Finance coming up with a favorable exchange rate on the Gil, so to enjoy the fruits of their my labors, I would have to remain here. This is a dismal prospect, one that gives me waking nightmares wherein I wander aimlessly, killing forest imps until I have enough imp hide to feed and clothe everyone…everywhere. I can’t take much more of this. I want out. This world has no meaning, no purpose, no hope. The heroes disagreed with me on this point, which was why they left me here in the dark. They convinced themselves I was a demon sent to crush their morale, but it was obvious when I got here that they were already dead inside. If the villain/s of this game want to rule the world, all they’d really have to do is run for elected office.

I am very hungry. I wrote another letter before I lost my pen, with instructions on how to prepare a pizza, as well as delivery directions, then I tied it to the back of some kind of badger, and sent it on its way. I hope it can see better in the dark than I can. Either way, the pizza’s gotta be free by now.

I left signs from the beginning of my journey in this world, directing evildoers to follow in our tracks, that I might get an interview. The heroes took exception to this, suggesting it might hinder the security of our mission. After that, I had to be more discreet. I would sneak away from camp at night and put the signs up all over whatever town we had just visited, then be back before the end of my watch. Funny, though, I could have sworn there was at least one more hero when we started. Eh, I must be imagining it.

But I am running severely low on paper, so I might as well send you my villain report now, and amend it if I find one on my way out of this world.

general surliness

what's my motivation?

I wish I could do that

shit-your-pants factor

Total Villain Score

Given that there was nothing to report, maybe I shouldn’t have taken the trouble to write those. You know what, I won’t. I’ll write the whole thing over again, and leave them out in the fifteenth draft. And maybe I’ll write 15 th instead of fifteenth, and save myself a lot of effort. Yes, I’m certain that will lead to great success—GAH! I’m starting to think like them. I really must get the hell out of here. Just as soon as my pizza arrives. Then I'll follow the delivery guy out of here. Unless I can fumble my way out in the dark before he gets here.